In honor of “KreayDay”, and I guess Jenna Marbles, I decided to make a post called "Shit Kreayshawn Taught Me." Yesterday was the one year anniversary of “Gucci Gucci” so it was a good excuse to write a post about Kreayshawn. I only mention Jenna Marbles because of the video she made called "What Hip Hop Taught Me" which name dropped Kreayshawn at the 2.50 mark. It’s funny how I memorized that.

Not like it really matters, but months ago (before Jenna’s video) I had the idea to write about all the cool shit Kreayshawn has taught me since I’ve been her #1 fan. However, it wasn’t worded or titled exactly like Jenna’s, it read "break down how Kreayshawn has changed my life and mention V-Nasty, Lil Debbie, White Girl Mob, and fuckin swag.” But that's probably the least catchy title for a post EVER, so I'm callin it "What Kreayshawn Taught Me". Jenna can sue me if she wants; it's one of my many fantasies about her. She and her sexy lawyer (played by _________) get all... legal on me... but then realize how fucking hilarious my penis jokes are... rip each other's clothes off and start goin to town on me...

Wait... how the fuck did we get onto this topic? Oh, right. I was supposed to "break down how Kreayshawn has changed my life and mention V-Nasty, Lil Debbie, White Girl Mob, and fuckin swag.” So that is exactly what I plan to do (eventually).

Before getting started, I want to mention how Kreayshawn is literally the only rap bitch who would ever get an anniversary for a song that went viral a year ago with no “official” studio release album or single since then. That’s how big of an impact “Gucci Gucci” left on all of us. For real, any other female artist, or male artist even, would be old news by now shooting porn for Bang Bus. Instead, the KreayGang makes her a trending topic on Twitter and a constant source for masturbation to her leaked photos... for hours on end... or maybe I just did the second part myself.

Oh, since my brain is all scattered today I changed my mind on the structure of my post. Don’t worry, I will still discuss the mark Kreayshawn has left on my heart, and my penis, from yesterday’s festivities, but not necessarily in a funny way like how Jenna broke down hip hop music (for those of you who are familiar with the video). Before you click off my shit, just remember who you are fucking with. You know Nick Hawk got you, son. I was also kidding about the mark on my penis. I will try to use other material… at least for the remainder of the post.

Since I already mentioned Lil Debbie and V-Nasty why not roll with it and try to make some point to what Kreayshawn has taught me. Also, I’m aware mentioning Lil Debbie is a big no-no considering she and Kreayshawn are no longer friends. When I jotted down the idea for this post they were still friends, but Kreayshawn and V-Nasty have since given Lil Debbie the boot from White Girl Mob.

If you’re familiar with Gucci Gucci then you should also know Lil Debbie, she was the other bad bitch smoking swishers on Fairfax with Kreayshawn in the video. Debbie is one of those model-slash-DJ personality types, and not really an MC per se, although she resurfaced on a RiFF RAFF song "SQUiRT” which I decided to embed below. I’m rambling again and making no connection back to my introductory paragraph. Once you see Lil Debbie in the video you will know exactly why I like her so much.

OMG! I feel so guilty embedding that video on a post dedicated to Kreayshawn. It’s almost how I feel right after I beat off to the little Debster. Whoops, that slipped… I wasn't trying to go there... but seriously, what the fuck are you going to do about it, bitch? I also hope you tell Kreayshawn what I just said. Maybe it will make her jealous. If you actually liked that song, definitely check out the song "Brain Freeze" with Lil Debbie and RiFF RAFF that is way better. I used "SQUiRT" cause it works with my perverted vibe I got going on. Anyway, moving on....

We won’t have to spend too much time on V-Nasty since I’m kind of mad at her. It’s unclear if KreayKreay and V-Nasty are as cool as they once were. About a month ago Kreayshawn tweeted, “I got kicked out of WGM.” Shortly after V-Nasty and Lil Debbie followed each other on Twitter. What’s up with that? That shit is so ratchet. Hmm... I’m wondering if that "ratchet" line works there or not. All the high school girls are saying “ratchet” now (don't ask how I know that). So you know me, living the dream, just trying to keep my soul young.

I personally wish Kreayshawn, V-Nasty, and Lil Debbie would just kiss and make up already (literally and figuratively). It sounds like V-Nasty and Debbie already did, but what about baby Kreay? It would be nice if they could make a video together of them scissor banging each other (in any context). So Kreayshawn did teach me that by nature, girls are ruthless bitches who stab each other in the back when they have their period. It's obvious that a female rap group will never work. Just look at the Spice Girls, I'm pretty sure that at this point all the members either do porn or are dead (or both).

The "main" thing Kreayshawn taught me is that it's OK to be a little weird and different.... Alright, that is all I got. What she really taught me is that, in high school, I should have been trying to get in with all the hood rats with greasy hair in a pony tail, who would sit with their legs open in a mini skirt with no stockings. It’s these classy broads who blossom into the bad bitches with a sleeve of tats on their arm that I drool over today. Hopefully I can tell my kid, or maybe one of my friend's kids (since I probably won’t have any kids of my own - or a wife - or someone that will fuck me ever again), this important life lesson that Kreayshawn taught me. Told ya’ll I could make this post work.

For real, I went to school with dozens of girls who looked just like this who are all probably doing hella’ shit with their lives. They don’t want to fuck with a sucker like me telling dick jokes on his blog. I bet they have a few kids with some drug dealers and spit raps in studios telling their engineer sweet shit like “turn my head phones up”… just laughing at my dumbass.

I love you (23 year old) Kreayshawn. This picture was from her usual "throw back Thursday" photos - used to prove a point only. She could even be of age in this photo, so get off my dick with your accusations.

@NickHawk91

To call Selah Sue today's daily crush, would be putting it mildly.  A crush would suggest something that you might get over, given enough time.  Selah Sue isn't one of those artists.  She is the kind that last's much longer.  You are instantly drawn to her and then it builds into something much greater than a crush.  If you knew her better, you might call it love.  But you don't know her better, because I just introduced you to her.  And knowing that I am your sole source for music, you feel fortunate that I was kind enough to introduce you to her.  So your welcome!  But enough about me, let's get you acquainted with your new love, Selah Sue.  

My momma always told me that a picture is worth a thousand words.  So a video must be worth even more.  Therefore, I will further introduce you to this stunning Belgian bombshell via her video:

Now that I have your attention, let me tell you a little about her.   Like I said, she was born in Belgium, where she learned to play an acoustic guitar at the age of 15.  It didn't take long for her love of music to blossom into a potential career.  By the age of 17, she was offered a deal from Universal, but quickly refused because she wanted to sing her own songs.....

I am going to pause right here to draw attention to this detail.  I said that at age 17 she had the where-with-all to turn down a deal from a major record label because she didn't want to sell out.  She preferred to create her own music!!!  I know it's unheard of these days.  But Selah Sue is a bit different...in all the right ways.

Are you not in love?!?!?  How?!?!?  Embrace this feminine goddess!  Soon enough she will be taking over your city and you will have the chance to fall in love with the love goddess herself.  For all you DC creepers, she will be opening for Beth Orton at Ust Music Hall this Friday the 18th.... Can we talk about this?!?!? 

Beth, don't take the stage because Selah Sue is going to blow you and your fans away.  I feel sorry about the fact that you have to take the stage after she performs.  Your fans are going to fall in love with her....and forget who they came to see.  Selah Sue....best of luck...you don't need it...congrats on your USA debut.  I promise...they will all love you!

The other day, ESPN released their "Power Rankings" for Major League Baseball, for this week. It's kinda funny how I'm always drawn to these posts because I want to see where they've ranked my team and the other teams in the league (actually, not funny at all, but I'll get to that in a bit). Same goes for NFL, where I always take a look. However, the same exact thing happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. Every time, I wonder why the hell I bothered clicking on this. Without fail, the rankings are essentially always the same. There's no real complicated formulas or in-depth analysis here. Yet ESPN always seemingly has a bunch of "experts" spend a bunch of time working on the rankings... but ALWAYS with the same result. The rankings are basically a list of teams, sorted by their current winning percentages, and are slightly modified based on who they like and dislike. By slightly modified, I mean they'll move the Yankees to the top of the ___ winning percentage bracket. And this week is no different. So, below I'll list my rankings, which are actual rankings based on "power"... i.e. which teams are ACTUALLY good and which are not. Here goes:

My Rank	ESPN Rank	Team	Comments
1	1	Rangers	Holy shit! We agree! They got this right. The defending AL Champs are still great and are the clear-cut #1 team right now. Josh Hamilton is en fuego! (I miss the old days of Sportscenter) The offense is tough to contain. Pitching is still the weakest link, but the addition of Darvish and conversion of Feliz to a starter have helped. The only thing that can derail the Rangers would be injuries, something which most of their best players have a long history of. Plus, they have lost two straight World Series.   .
2	7	Rays	ESPN has these guys dropping from 1st to 6th in a week. Granted they just lost 3 series in a row (OAK, @NYY, @BAL), but I'm not putting a great deal of stock in that. Obviously losing Longoria for an extended period of time hurts your lineup, but they've still got Pena, Upton, and Zobrist driving in runs. Oh, and Luke Scott (that fuckin guy...). Their pitching is the key to their POWER ranking. With one of the best and youngest staffs in the majors, these guys will be able to compete with anybody on any given night.
3	4	Braves	Not much difference here. The Braves are pretty good. I had the Rays slotted into the #3 spot, but then that put the Braves at #4 which is the same as ESPN, so you fucking know I wasn't gonna do that and match ESPN's rank for 3 of the top 4.
4	2	Dodgers	The Dodgers are NOT the 2nd best team in the league, but they are playing pretty much lights-out right now, despite the fact that their lineup doesn't feature much other than Kemp and Ethier (who are both raking). The loss of Kemp hurts a ton and I think the team will slip immensely because they're currently well overachieving and now Ethier is the only hitter pitchers will fear. The pitching isn't great mostly because Clayton Kershaw can only pitch every 5th game. It's been a nice run, but I will personally enjoy the Dirty Dodgers' fall. I mean, c'mon, your fans are a bunch of DOUCHE BAGS, they don't show up until the 3rd inning, leave by the 7th...oh, and they're a bunch of DOUCHE BAGS!
5	5	Cardinals	["This one's the same too? This fuckin guy's not really doing all that much different than ESPN. This post isn't even funny. He's just talking about the same shit that I already know. Why am I still reading this?"] Touche. My analysis: Albert who? ["FUCK this dude. He's spewing the same bullshit everyone in the world is saying right now. This post is awful."] Touche. Albert who?
6	13	Tigers	Okay, now we're finally showing how pointless ESPN's Power Rankings are. The Tigers took the Rangers to 6 games in last year's ALCS on the heels of Justin Verlander's completely amazing season. Justin Verlander is still a Detroit Tiger. Prince Fielder is now a Detroit Tiger. Not much else has changed. Sure, they haven't played well lately and they got swept by Seattle, but they're still a fucking great team. They're NOT the 13th best in the league. Even ESPN's comments in the power rankings indicate that the Tigers are better than they're currently playing: "The Tigers currently have seven starting position players with an OPS at least 50 points below their career averages". The law of averages says this will normalize, which means more wins for the Tigers. You heard it here first: The Tigers will start winning more games. Now THAT'S analysis!
7	17	Giants	Sorry, ESPN. 17th? Really? I know the offense isn't great, but the pitching is probably the best in the league and that's even with Lincecum's recent struggles. None of the following teams are better than the Giants: A's, White Sox, Indians, Mets, Blue Jays, Nats, or Orioles. Honestly, if ESPN would have said at the beginning of the year that these were their power rankings, the world would have murdered them. So, great, some teams have won more games to date than others. Somehow that means they're better teams? No. The Giants are fucking great. They should be #1, but then I'd be called biased and 'a homer'. But we all know they're better than all those teams I listed. Go fuck yourselves, ESPN. Do you guys even watch baseball anymore, or is it all Kobe Bryant all the time?
8	18	Diamondbacks	["What a fucking homer this guy is! 3 NL West teams in the top 8? Gimme a fuckin break! You just lost all your credibility."] Yep, the 8th best team in the majors is the Diamondbacks... aka The D-Bags. I'm starting to hate on these guys pretty consistently, but that's probably only because they're pretty damn good. They've got a decent pitching staff, which will improve immensely with the return of Daniel Hudson (along with my fantasy team). Justin Upton has been struggling and that won't last. Miguel Montero is on my fantasy team and he's rockin it. ["This douchebag has a lot of D-backs on his team for a guy who "hates" them. What a fucking sellout!"]. Plus the Dodgers are about to become AWFUL (and I love it) so these guys have no option other than to get more wins at the expense of the Padres, Rockies, and Dodgers. The Giants, however, will destroy them from here on out. Callin it.
9	21	Angels	Albert who? Oh, that guy. Yea he'll come around. CJ Wilson's a douche bag. The Giants beat him in the 2010 Series despite his shit talking, just like we did to Cliff Lee. Anyway, the Angels are underperforming for the most part so far. They get to play the A's and Mariners a whole bunch, so that counts for probably 60 wins and 2 losses (approximately) for the rest of the year. But LA still sucks even though I think they might play in Anaheim. ["Shouldn't you know what fucking city the teams play in if you're gonna post about sports and bash ESPN?"] Oh, wait. I'm sorry. These guys are the 'California Angels'; they play in California. California's cool. Except for LA.
10	14	Reds	Again, these guys aren't playing as well as they could or should be. The team is half all-stars, half scrubs. Not sure how that will work out. But their 2 thru 5 hitters are pretty scary, especially in that small park (as evident by Votto's crazy game the other night). Pitching is pretty solid and it's only improved since last year. Plus their mascot (or one of them) is Mr. Redlegs. That's the kind of mustache that only winners are allowed to sport.  .
11	6	Nationals	The Nats are good, they're just not that good. However, I will say that they should only get better from here on out. They're currently missing Jayson Werth, Michael Morse, and closer Drew Storen, all of whom should be back soon. They've got a stable of young, dominant pitchers who are already at the top of their game. Add in the fact that Ryan Zimmerman isn't performing nearly as well as he can, and this is a team that will continue to do well. Their only competition on the division is Atlanta and maybe Philly if they can figure out how to play baseball again. But these Nats could make a surprise playoff appearance.
12	8	Yankees	This ranking is pretty much a default. The Yankees aren't better than any of the teams below them, it's just that the teams below them aren't really that good. However, this organization is on its way down (sorry to all you East Coast biased peeps at ESPN). They'll continue to overpay for guys who aren't as good as they once were. They're able to win enough games against the Blue Jays and Orioles to consistently compete, but it really hasn't resulted in much lately. 2009 was a fluke. Oh, you disagree? This is the greatest franchise in sports? I FUCKING HATE the Yankees more than any other franchise in sports. Jeter sucks. A-roid sucks. Rivera is dead. They all suck. End of discussion.  .
13	23	Red Sox	Another default. Everybody else is more terrible than the Red Sox. I'm kinda surprised the East Coast-loving guys at ESPN could put The Saux this low. You guys really are a bunch of pussies, huh? Another team whose payroll is way too high. Pedroia and Gonzo are great players, but that's pretty much all you got. Youkilis is dead. Ellsbury is dead. Again. Aside from Lester, their pitching isn't great. And their best outfielder is Cody Ross. CODY ROSS! (I'm ignoring the fact that my Giants probably wouldn't have won the 2010 Series without him) Nuff said. This will be another wasted season for Boston.
14	12	Marlins	Jose Reyes 'brought his talents to South Beach', but it hasn't really worked out so far. This team is teeming with talent ["Did he just say this team is teeming? What a fucking loser. He thinks he's clever, but he's not."], but everyone is struggling so far, except Anibal Sanchez (which is GREAT for my fantasy team!). ["Oh shut up about your goddamn fantasy team already."] I think they'll start to turn it around once the pressure of a new season with new players and a new ballpark wears off. This team is used to playing in front of dozens of people, so the fact that they've finally started to generate a respectable attendance level, is something entirely new to many of these players. Oh, and they've got Ozzie Guillen who is utterly beloved by the people of Miami, especially its Cuban population. I'm pretty sure Little Havana is littered with photos like this one:     .
15	22	Brewers	The Brew Crew just isn't the same without Prince in the lineup. Many have said that they're not missing him all that much, but they are, especially with Gamel done for the year. They've got some spectacular pitching in Gallardo, Greinke and Marcum; solid everyday players in Rickie Weeks, Cory Hart, and Aramis Ramirez; and a fucking roided-up Ryan Braun, who is consistently one of the best hitters in the game. This team could start putting it together, win some games, and make the playoffs, but it just feels a little too disjointed at the moment and the supporting cast is well below average.
16	11	Indians	The Tribe has come a long way back from their years of ineptitude, but they're not there yet. They've got some quality hitters in Choo, Cabrera, and Santana (sounds like a mariachi band to me), but the average pitching will be their downfall. They won't compete with the Tigers for a while, but they do have a decent core of young up-and-coming players on their squad. They've also got Ricky Vaughn and his wild arm out of the pen, Willie Mays Hayes makin basket catches all over the field, and Bob Uecker on the mic, so they can't be that bad. They just need a little help from Jobu, who I hear is in need of a refill.  .
17	19	Phillies	It's scary that the Phillies are doing this poorly. What's even scarier is how impotent this lineup is without Howard and Utley. The team is filled with aging stars, which should be cause for concern that the Phillies' window for another championship is closing quickly. Utley is basically dead. Again. Howard can't walk (not that he ever did anything more than swing a bat). The pitching staff is still doing its part, but the bats aren't working. It's funny how bad this team has become without those two guys hitting the ball. However, where there's good pitching, there's a way to win ball games. We'll see what happens, but I don't see them making the playoffs.
18	3	Orioles	Yay! We've won twice as many games as we've lost so far! We're definitely the 3rd best team in the FUCKING MAJOR LEAGUES. This is complete HORSE SHIT. And I even like the Orioles (mostly because I hate the Yanks and Saux). I guarantee that by August, ESPN has these guys ranked in the 20's. I only have them this high because they're playing so goddamn good lately. I can't argue with the scoreboard, but I can argue that these guys are as good as their record says.
19	26	Rockies	I know these douchebags have hit a rough patch, but they're not THAT bad. They've still got Tulo and Cargo. Their pitching isn't great, but since they play at Coors Field it wouldn't matter even if it was. I hate this franchise, but they're better than 26th. As usual, ESPN is looking at their poor record and ranking them based almost solely on that. Good detective work by "the sports leader".
20	9	Blue Jays	I still can't believe that ESPN put their name on this garbage. The Blue Jays? They don't have Roy Halladay, John Olerud (still love that he wore a helmet while playing first... now THAT'S style) or Joe Carter anymore. Yea Jose Bautista will hit 218 HR this year (approximately), but what else do they have? Brett Lawrie? Yea he's okay. Still not a fucking top 10 team, retards! Plus, they play in Canada, so they're completely irrelevant.
21	16	White Sox	Not too far off ESPN. But the White Sox are kinda rebuilding. Sure Adam Dunn could remember how to swing a bat tomorrow and start belting bombs, and Alex Rios could remember how to... play baseball, and start raking again. But it ain't happening. At least they're better than the Cubs.
22	24	Pirates	I'm a Pittsburgh fan, but I stopped following the Pirates after the 90's were over. I was a huge Bonds, Bonilla, and Van Slyke fan and those guys were at their best during my pre-teen and teenage years when I loved baseball. But as we know, things got ugly quick. The Pirates are getting better and Cutch is a fucking stud, but he has to let 8 other guys bat after him, so they'll never get really far until they surround him with some semblence of talent. I'm still rooting for a cinderella story here, but it ain't happening.
23	10	Mets	This is fucking riduculous. The Mets are almost as good as the Yankees now? The Mets are a Top 10 team? Fucking ESPN and their East Coast bias. The Mets are terrible. TERRIBLE. Quick, name a player other than David Wright or Johan Santana! You can't do it. It's literally impossible because NOBODY ELSE PLAYS FOR THE METS. They trot those 2 guys out every night and try to win ball games. How the fuck do they have 19 wins? That's the real question here. They recently swept the Phillies! Take that Philly! You just lost 3 games to a 2 man team. Congrats. You're awful.
24	15	Athletics	Really? 15th? This is the A's we're talking about. They no longer have the Bash Brothers. And Billy Beane's "Moneyball" strategies aren't working anymore, ever since he shared them with the entire fucking world. Good thinking, buddy. A's fans are all bitches. They mostly live in the East Bay which is pretty much a fucking hell hole. If you live in SF and are an A's fan you're a giant douche and you deserve to cheer for a team that consistently sucks ass.
25	27	Cubs	I've got them ranked higher than ESPN has them only by default. The teams below them just have that little extra bit of terrible in them. Every douchebag frat guy in the world is somehow a Cubs fan, so I think it's fuckin great that the Cubs suck almost as much dick as this year's pledge class. Ok there, dude? I like your outfit with the khakis, blazer and a backwards hat. Way to be original. Now go back to doing something latently homo-erotic.  .
26	28	Royals	The Royals are such a great Minor League team that Major League Baseball allows them to play in The Show, for some reason. Unfortunately, it doesn't translate to wins.
27	20	Astros	#20? Really ESPN? The Astros? These guys haven't been good since Biggio and Bagwell. They've got some good young talent, but as long as they still play in the Majors, they'll be awful. Putting them anywhere near the Top 20 is complete bullshit. You obviously have no idea what you're doing and you've obviously not paid any attention to baseball in years.
28	25	Mariners	25 is WAY too high to rank the Mariners. Sure they traded Pineda for Montero in what now looks like a genius deal, but aside from him and Felix, they got nothing. Unless Griffey Jr. comes out of retirement and starts raking, the Mariners won't contend with the likes of the Angels and Rangers for a long time. Mariners fans should just give up and go back to rooting for the Supersonics. Oh wait.
29	30	Twins	The Twins went from consistent contenders, dominating the AL Central during the 2000's (is that what we call that decade?), investing heavily in their franchise players, Joe Mauer (8 years, $184MM, starting in 2011) and Justin Morneau (6 years, $80MM, starting in 2008). Then a bunch of injuries and concussions hit and the team is a disaster. These guys won 94 games and took the AL Central title in 2010. That's 2 years ago! They're pretty awful now. Oh, and comparing Joe Mauer's hair to Troy Polamalu's is fucking criminal. I'm sure Mauer has tons of dandruff. Troy's mane is fucking pristine. PRISTINE!   .
30	29	Padres	These guys have nothing going for them, other than the fact that San Diego is beautiful and they have a great ballpark right downtown. Only problem is that nobody cares and nobody shows up for games. Their mascot is a fucking religious figure, so they deserve to get pummeled night after night. For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Ron Burgundy... Go fuck yourself, San Diego!

As you can see, these Power Rankings are obviously much more accurate than ESPN's standard rank-by-winning-percentage "rankings". Disagree? Go fuck yourself! Contact me and we can discuss in an amiable manner.

@bqbd

So I've been blogging for a few months now and I'm starting to take this comedy shit more seriously. The only problem is, I feel like I need to hide who I am because I'm afraid people may judge me and it might affect my professional career. For starters, my real name isn't Nick Hawk and I don't openly talk about or promote my blog or website outside a very close circle of friends.

I don't do this because I'm ashamed of what I write, the truth is I'm totally "gay" for my comedy writing, but society keeps me "in the closet" in such a way that I can actually relate to how homosexuals feel. The only real difference between me and a gay dude is that I metaphorically take dick in the ass behind closed doors. I also get verbally abused daily by my friends who call me 'gay' for listening to Lil Wayne and Drake, for not wanting to go out to the bars on the weekend, and for wanting to go to a Mike Vick event to pay for a signed picture (Ok, so maybe a 28 year old going to get a signed picture of a football player is a little "gay" but at least I'm not there to prey on the little kids who belong there). 

The point of this post isn't to bash gays at all. I couldn't give less of a fuck what you are into sexually... unless you fuck animals in your free time or something like that. Also, an old guy molesting little boys or girls is fucking wrong and I'm not cool with that shit either. Fondling an 18 year old boy or girl in your basement is perfectly fine; just keep it legal man... that's all we ask.  I'm a huge fan of lesbians and often watch them scissor bang each other in the gay section of my porn membership website. I also feel the need to clarify the context of "scissor bang" because after a quick Google I realized there are multiple meanings.

According to Urban Dictionary (and the entire first page of Google) it's "When a person inserts the index finger in the vagina and the middle figer in the anus." Apparently this is a less-intense version of "the shocker." They also use the phrase in a sentence for you slow people: "Damn bro I just got done scissor banging Brittany in the hallway... that hoe is a SLUT"

I was using "scissors bang" in the context of when two females fuck each other by bumping their vaginas together by opening their legs like a scissor. Urban Dictionary taught me something new today and I'm equally as big of a fan of the term used in both lesbian sex and fingering that slut Brittany in the hallway. Writing those last sentences gave me a quarter chub, so I'm completely comfortable enough with my sexuality to state that I can understand how one dude finds another dude's member attractive. When I watch a porn I sometimes admire a nice cock. I'll be like "damn, that's a nice cock he has there. I wish mine wasn't all brown and ugly with dark veins."

I'm dead serious when I say that I relate to the gay man's struggle and the feeling of wanting to be the person you really are inside, but can't, because if you go public about it some people will judge you and it may result in losing opportunities that you wouldn't have lost had you stayed "in the closet". Just like it's fucked up that a gay dude can't hold his boyfriends hand in the park, it's fucked that I can't post an awesome YouTube video talking about online dating and stalking bitches because a potential employer may find it and fire me, or note hire me...

I can also can relate to how difficult it must be for a gay man to come out of the closet and confront their parents. In most cases the mother will be more understanding and supportive than the father will be. My situation is a little different because if I were to tell my mother that I've been blogging about my cock and degrading women, she'd drop dead on the spot. But my dad, on the other hand, would probably be supportive of my cock and degrading women. I'm not close with my dad and don't really have a father figure in my life, but I know from "father son experiences" in movies... For example, in American Pie, Jim's dad was all about him getting that exotic pussy, instead of telling him that it is okay that he wants to bang Stifler. So I know that dads are usually supportive of chasing pussy, however, not so much when it comes to dicks.

Okay...I will now spend a moment to use the analogy of gay marriage to show how my path of making it in comedy is basically the same thing.

A gay guy meets another gay guy and they have a relationship "in the closet". They slowly gain support from close friends and distant cousins. Then more and more people are telling them it's okay to be gay and be proud of who you are. The "circle of trust" gets larger and larger as more friends support what they are doing in the closet. Then someone like Obama comes out and says "let these guys get married and be as miserable as everyone else".

So, on the other side, Nick Hawk is steadily building-up his following. More and more random people from the internet will discover me and support what I'm doing. Then maybe the right established comedian stumbles upon me and puts me in the game. When my comedy is endorsed by someone with a verified Twitter account (the true mark of success) and I have a respectable following, I can openly tell people that I'm a comedian and then I can basically get away with murder (comedy murder... not real murder... I don't think). I mean someone needs to do it. What would the world be like with no aspiring comedians? Then I can finally talk all I want about my penis, my problems, and not fucking bitches, publicly, as myself. Because at that point, people would just say, "Oh, he's a comedian; it's okay if he spends 10 minutes analyzing the term 'scissor bang' and its many uses."

Hey Obama I'm still waiting for you to admit once and for all that you are in support of Nick Hawk's comedy. I really feel like this should be a key issue for the 2012 election. Too bad his support and lobbying for my comedy wouldn't change my mom's opinion of my comedy, because she thinks he's a fucking moron... despite the fact that he has a verified Twitter account.

All this gay and closet talk got me thinking about Eminem... If you need something, Nick Hawk will be cleaning out his closet.

@NickHawk91

Congratulations to our 'Hate Or Love It' Champions, Black Diamond Folds!

Being from the US, it's hard enough to get your hands on imported music from Europe, let alone the Far East. However, thanks to the internet (kudos on your invention, Al Gore), we're able to at least get a sample of music that we would otherwise be geographically impeded.

These days, there is a decent amount of buzz coming from The East (not Brooklyn... farther east... WAY farther); I recently read an article in a US magazine about the blossoming rock scene in China. Not that it has anything to do with Black Diamond Folds, but music fans should take note and start paying attention to our brethren in The East, as they very well could be the next hot musical epicenter of the world.

If you don't know who Black Diamond Folds is, we can't really blame you... unless you're from Singapore... in which case, you really need to get out more and experience all that Singapore has to offer, including a burgeoning arts & music scene. But since you're currently sitting at home, on your computer, like the hermit you are, we'll give you a quick profile: Black Diamond Folds is a 7-piece outfit featuring Ery (bass), Nizam (lead guitar), Yad (drums), Mik (guitar), Janice (vocals), Zacquine (keyboard) and Hilmi (percussions). (Hope you're taking notes; the exam is tomorrow!). The band is currently working on their debut LP, which is slated for release later this year, and is said to be intent on making music that will stand the test of time. To this end, I will pose a comparison: Interpol's Turn on the Bright Lights... (pause for heckling to die down)...

Look, I'm not saying that this is necessarily on the level of one of the greatest rock albums ever produced (their LP's not even out yet), but the tracks that Black Diamond Folds has released so far do have a distinct similarity to Interpol, with their deliberate tempo and whine-y, jarring guitar work. Don't agree? Listen for yourself:

And yet, the band softens their approach with Janice's steady and emotional lyrics, culminating in a very unique sound. The style is very moody, introspective, and powerful. Each moving song takes you in a different emotional direction, but yet still retains a level of continuity.

Their sound is a mixture of indie, alternative rock, and punk, but is probably best categorized as post-punk, and is best exemplified in "Exit Signs", which dials-up the tempo and splashes in a little dose of fun:

It's safe to say that these guys are making good on their efforts to make catchy songs that stick with you and make you want to hit "repeat" over and over. 

We're looking forward to their upcoming LP, which will hopefully be available state-side. In the meantime, if you live in Singapore, or find yourself there in late June, be sure to check these guys out at Singapore's Baybeats 2012 Festival, which is an annual alternative music festival being held from June 29th to July 1st.

Congratulations, Black Diamond Folds! Your success is well-earned and we look forward to much more from you. Here's the winning song, one more time, "All Is Mine":

For more Black Diamond Folds, check out their site.

@bqbd

I was first introduced to Delta Spirit when I got a random phone call from Matthew Vasquez (guitarist/ lead singer). When I answered, he immediately went into this pitch about how I should come out to California and shit. Being that I had no clue who he was before this phone call, I was weirded out, but also kind of intrigued. Hold on a sec....I think I recorded his pleads to get me to come out to California. Ah, yes....here it is:

"I want you to move to California for yourself,
I want you to find whatever your heart needs,
I want you to move to California for yourself, but not for me."

He then quickly said he was from the band Delta Spirit and hung up. "What the fuck just happened?!?!", were my initial thoughts. However, his argument for me to move to California was pretty convincing. Remember when you first learned about reverse psychology and tried that shiz out....and it worked! Shiz was awesome right? Well Matt's attempts at reverse psychology totally worked on me. That, "I don't really care if you come out, but you should come out" was genius. So, I quickly got online and researched  Delta Spirit and found out that the band had a member named Kelly Winrich (multi-instrumentalist). This happened around the same time as The Million Dollar Listing was being televised on E! and Madison Hildebrande had introduced us all to polyamory. Don't act like you don't know who I am talking about, or that you didn't think about jumping on that fad too!

Yeah, him! Anyway...

I thought that Matthew Vasquez, the lead singer (Garshhh, stay with me people), was secretely telling me he wanted a polyamorous relationship between me, him, and Kelly. (Side note-Polyamory quickly became the latest and greatest fad and eventually went mainstream after being covered in Newsweek.)  I figured that this trip to California might just be my only chance to try this shiz out before all the losers were doing it. So I was almost convinced.

Then I got another phone call from Matthew saying,

"I want you to go out there and find somebody else,
I want him to treat you like I know he should,
I want you to find somebody new for yourself, if not for me."

I fucking knew I was right about his hidden message!  But what is this HE shit?  He must have mispoke. Luckily, he went on to say that we would do all types of cool shit like hangout with blonde chicks with blue hair, ride in the back of his El Camino boozing, live in a sweet treehouse, skateboard, spray paint, take hits of acid, smash bottles, hang out at motels, light shit on fire and then skitch the back of his El Camino, hang out at convinience stores, smash stuff, and be punk ass motha fukas. Now I was totally sold!

So, I did just that. I moved to California for myself, and not for him. Once I got there I met all the other members of the band: Jon Jameson (bass), Brandon Young (percussion), and Will McLaren (guitar). Kelly wasn't there the first day, so I was still really excited to meet her. Then it happened....

I met Kelly, and she was a fucking HE!!!!  WTF!!  Matthew failed to mention this to me during his two phone calls. When I brought this fact to his attention, here is what he said,

"all of the feelings that I know you never felt, 

and all of the simple words you never said, 
I want you to keep them like a secret to yourself, they’re not for me.'

Is that supposed to make me feel better about moving to California for you?!?!  Oh fuck you!  I know you said that you didn't want me to move for you, but thats what I fucking did you asshole!  Well, for you and Kelly, who turns out to be a fucking MAN!!!

He quickly reminded me of all the cool stuff we would get to do and I slowly calmed down, realizing that that stuff alone was excuse enough to move to California (goodbye to my hopes of trying this polyamory shit out before it became mainstream). The next day I woke up and was all set to spend the day doing all this cool shit he promised and I had my bags all packed to move into the treehouse. However, he came to me and said that, "he and the band would be moving to Brooklyn because it was best for his music career."  

Are you fucking kidding me??!?!?! I just moved out here for you and to do all this cool shit, and now you are telling me you are moving to Brooklyn?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!  Then he said,

"I want you to wander silent past my outstretched arms,
I want you to hide yourself from all I see,
and though my heart will fight until its dying breath, you’re not for me."

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! What the fuck does that even mean!?!?!?!

He replied, "here is a video for you to ease the pain. I included all of the cool shit I promised. Sorry you moved to California, but I told you not to move for me, but rather for you".

And then that fucking asshole moved to Brooklyn.

So, if you ever get a call from him telling you he wants you to move to Brooklyn, tell him to FUCK OFF!

But at least you will have this video:

@InTheKnowIndie 

For more on the band:

@deltaspirit

http://deltaspirit.net/ 

In celebration of his recent tour and album announcement, today's Daily Crush is Twin Shadow !!!

The tall, dark, and dreamy George Lewis Jr. (He doesn't look like a "George Lewis" does he? And no, that's not "Fez" from That 70's Show...) announced that his follow-up to the critically-acclaimed Forget will be titled Confess and will be released on July 10th. Apparently, this new album was inspired by some motorcycle rides in LA, after a long hiatus following an accident (hence the sah-weet jacket in the photo and theme of the 'video' below). When I heard this great news, I instantly threw on "While We're Dancing" and danced for 4 minutes straight... Won't you join me? 

As part of the announcement, Twin Shadow also released a single off the new album, called "Five Seconds". Check it out:

You can also download "Five Seconds" at http://twinshadow.net

I know we've been looking forward to more from Twin Shadow, ever since 2010's Forget, and it appears our thirst will soon be quenched. Be sure to pick up the album on July 10 and don't miss the "Ton Up" Tour this summer (dates below).

@bqbd

"Ton Up" Tour Schedule:

07-21 Seattle, WA - Capitol Hill Block Party 

07-27 Boston, MA - Paradise

07-28 Montreal, Quebec - Corona Theatre 

07-30 Toronto, Ontario - Lee's Palace 

08-01 Pontiac, MI - Crofoot Ballroom - Pike Room

08-04 Chicago, IL - Lollapalooza

08-06 Minneapolis, MN - 7th Street Entry

08-08 Winnipeg, Manitoba - Pyramid Cabaret 

08-10 Calgary, Alberta - Saits The Gateway 

08-11 Vancouver, British Columbia - Venue

08-14 Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge 

08-16 San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall 

08-18 Santa Barbara, CA - Soho Restaurant & Music Club

08-22 San Diego, CA - Casbah 

08-24 Visalia, CA - The Cellar Door

09-04 Phoenix, AZ - The Crescent Ballroom 

09-05 El Paso, TX - Tricky Falls 

09-07 Denver, CO - Bluebird Theater 

09-08 Omaha, NE - Waiting Room 

09-09 Lawrence, KS - The Granada Theatre

09-11 Norman, OK - Opolis 

09-13 Dallas, TX - Trees 

09-14 Austin, TX - The Mohawk 

09-16 Houston, TX - Fitzgeralds 

09-17 McAllen, TX - Cine El Rey

09-18 Birmingham, AL - Bottletree 

09-19 Atlanta, GA - The Earl 

09-21 Asheville, NC - Orange Peel

09-23 Carrboro NC - Cat's Cradle 

09-24 Washington DC - Black Cat 

09-25 Philadelphia PA - Union Transfer 

09-27 New York, NY - Webster Hall

I'm bipolar, emotionally unstable, and reckless at times.  It’s not something I should be proud of or speak openly about, but crazy people seem to want everyone around them to know how deranged and complex their mind is. We jump at any opportunity to talk about mental illnesses, our visits to the insane asylum, or some other personal experiences that a “normal” person would find inappropriate to engage in with a stranger. For example, a perfect way to break the ice when someone asks, "How are you doing?" is to respond with, "Not bad I guess... I just got out of a mental institution, foreclosed on my house, got my car repo'd, spent time in the loony bin, and now I'm living with my mom and grandma... Oh, and I also have a yet to be identified sore on on the tip of my dick... but you probably wanted to wait until later tonight to find that out, right?"

I’ve learned my lesson and don’t really make passes at “normal” girls like that unless I’m drunk or something. The old saying, “opposites attract” doesn't usually play out when it comes to a “crazy” person and “normal” person getting involved in a relationship. On second thought, at least from what I’ve observed over the years, the whole “opposites attract” thing only seemed to make sense in 7th grade science class when (a) I studied magnetic fields and (b) Paula Abdul told me so...

See what I mean... if opposites did in fact attract, then that music video would have spawned some half-ugly-animal, half-psycho-pop-star with a dynamite singing voice... and we all know that never happened... Oh wait...

But what the fuck do I know?... Just stay with me…I’m sure you understand the simple point I’m trying to make.

I don’t mean to insinuate that normal guys don’t fuck crazy girls and vice versa. I literally meant a “relationship” and not a one night-stand type of thing. It may even take a guy several bangs to realize she’s a psychotic bitch whose going through his phone and personal items and showing up to his mommas house uninvited. You know, the typical crazy girl shit that is a huge turn on for someone like me.

“Pathological liar”, “manipulative”, “friendless”, “crazy”, “cum dumpster”…. These are some keywords I pick up on when a girl is being described to me. I would be like, “yo dude, she sounds great. You got to hook me up with her.” The best part is that these are the kind of bitches you can choke-the-fuck-up during sex, and whenever she says something ignorant like, "I’m going to the club tonight for girl’s night out" or "I'm just gonna do my own thing tonight," you can just go on ignoring her. I mean, c'mon... the balls on that bitch thinking she leaving my side? Please, not happening, ho.

If this crazy ass bitch even has any friends, 10 out of 10 times their all in an unhealthy relationship too. So they can make plans for "girls night out" but I know that shit’s never going down, and not just because I’m against my girlfriend fucking a random dude on the dance floor of a club called “Vibe”, but because every single one of her friends also gets choked-the-fuck-up by their man for the same exact reason. So “girls night out” turns into them just texting each other that they 'want to watch a movie with their boyfriend instead and all go out tomorrow night' (which is crazy bitch code for "get nailed and choked out"). Rinse and repeat.

Don’t worry ladies, that was the old Nick Hawk, I haven’t choked up a bitch in a few years now. I’ve just been taking it easy, focusing on myself for a change and occasionally paying a girl on a web cam to pretend she’s fucking the shit out of me.  Ya know, just waiting for that special someone to come into my life, so I can completely fuck with her head and waste years of her life with my bullshit. At least I realize I don’t deserve a “basic bitch”; I’ll end up with a crazy ass girl who's not all that much different than the Russian chick I pay to get naked on the internet.

Take my last “girlfriend” for example. I bribed her with money and oxycotin to perform very degrading sexual acts on me. Really no different than me giving some random girl 150 tokens to fuck herself doggy style with a purple dildo while I go to town on myself.

This post got completely out of control, and I definitely didn’t set off to make that my overall point, but it seems to work.

So as u can see from my experience opposites don't attract. I just attract crazy bitches with more issues than me. So if you're a crazy bitch with mad issues and you're into dudes who are just into for the fuckin..... Holler!

Happy Monday Bitches!

To help you get through this week's 'Case of the Mondays' we're comin' atcha hardcore from two different angles via hip-hop and post-hardcore, in the form of Wugazi - 13 Chambers! If you have trouble putting 2 and 2 together, then let me tell you that you're about to get a shot of Wu-Tang with a Fugazi chaser! That's already the third exclamation point in this post, so you KNOW this shit is important!

This mash-up comes from a pair of producers, Cecil Otter and Swiss Andy, and pays tribute to two of the most beloved groups in their respective genres. Now, I'm sure there's plenty Wu fans out there... and plenty Fugazi fans too... but I don't know how many folks out there are fans of both Wu-Tang and Fugazi, but I can say that I am one, and I know a few others. So this mash-up is pretty much a perfect storm, in theory. But does it deliver as anticipated?

As a whole, YES. While there are a few tracks that don't exactly work, in my opinion, the vast majority work... and work to the point that you quickly forget the few that "don't". An example of one that works fuckin perfectly is "Ghetto Afterthought":

Like ODB said, "Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the BEST!" Always one to drop knowledge on ya, ODB speaks the truth. However, maybe Wugazi is the best! Ghost pretty much kills it in this sample; the music works really well for hip-hop, then Big Baby Jesus and U-God tear shit up.

The hits keep comin with "Sweet Release", featuring Meth flowin' ...like always.

Now, unfortunately I have to admit that while I'm a fan of both Wu and Fugazi, I'm not fluent enough to be able to identify each sample or track, or be able to tell you where most of this comes from. However, I can tell you that this represents a broad sampling of both group's catalogues. The members of Wu-Tang all get their spots, and the Gravediggaz even get a track ("Suicide Surprise").

Like I mentioned, there are a few tracks that don't work for me personally, and "Slow Like That" would be one of them, along with "PLO Squared". I don't know what it is, maybe the hip-hop purist in me that feels like the jarring Fugazi guitar doesn't work with the methodic lyrics. But it just doesn't have that natural sort of flow that is ESSENTIAL for a good hip-hop song. Now, in a way, maybe the producers felt that Wu-Tang was getting too much of the spotlight, and felt forced to feature Fugazi some more, in order to appeal to those fans. But either way, this album is far from perfect... and maybe that's okay... or maybe it's just my case of "The Mondays"...

"Nowhere to Wait" is definitely helping to pull me out of my 'case', with yet another Gravediggaz sampling over Fugazi's "Close Captioned", before busting out some fucking GOLD when the bassline from "Waiting Room" absolutely DROPS! Whatever you do, do not write this track off before the 2:15 mark. That's what we came for!

The album ends on another high note, with "Forensic Shimmy"... We all know how ODB likes it. But in case you forgot...

Overall, 13 Chambers is an enjoyable addition to the Wu-Tang and Fugazi "catalogues", despite the fact that neither was really involved here. Sometimes mash-ups work... in some cases, they even work better than the originals. Which reminds me of our last "Monday Mash-Up"... So, if you're diggin' this shit, be sure to check out The Brothers of Chico Dusty.

Happy Monday!

@bqbd

In addition to being our janitor, video cuer, etc.; Fred also has grown to be quite passionate about the Indie music scene and the bloggers covering the artists.  Sometimes his passion becomes a bit too much.  Almost like Mel Gibson's "Passion for Christ" or maybe his lack of passion for fake tits.

Fred has been known to go on similar rant's relating to people stealing our material.  Here is his latest complaint in reference to this blog post (Muzik Dizcovery)-

Fred's Rant:  You call yourself Muzik Dizcovery?  Really? And yet you are just NOW covering Polica and Justin Vernon's comments?  That shit happened during the Grammys!  I don't even think I can remember who won best new artist!  That shit happened THAT long ago.  And the best new artist is now old and trampled on by the mobs of mainstreamers rushing to be cool and "in the know".  They say Christopher Columbus discovered America, even though it was Amerigo Vespuchi, but at least he was SECOND and shit.  They would never have said Christopher Columbus discovered America if there were already 13 colonies.  So how the fuck do you call yourself Muzik Dizcovery, when you are just coming across Polica and finally feel the need to write about them?  Did you happen to uncover other blogs, that are actually "dizcovering muzik"?   Maybe you came across a specific article, let's say SearchDat's for example.  Maybe their article entitled, "Polica is over!".  Where they reported - notice the key word being "reported" - as in, the shit happened recently, that, 

"After Justin Vernon's win for best new artist and alternative album of the year, he interviewed with Rolling Stone and named Polica as 'the best band I ever heard.'  That's an incredible compliment for them to receive, with one exception.  Justin Vernon's brother, Nate, is the manager of both Bon Iver and Polica.  This reminds me of when Peyton Manning told the media that his brother Eli was, in fact, the better QB.  Peyton's statement created a media frenzy and Eli was treated like the second coming of Jesus.  Only one problem: it was in the Manning family's interest to promote and hype Eli as the second coming, whether Peyton believed it or not.  The same is true for Polica.  It is in the Vernon's interest, specifically Nate Vernon's interest, that the band receive this kind of hype.  Who better to hype them then the winner of best new artist and alternative album?  While I am not discrediting Justin's assessment of Polica, it seems as though the waters have been muddied.  Does he truely believe that Polica is the best band he has ever heard? Or, is he just pulling a Peyton?  

Polica has been one of the few examples of albums I have continually listened to over the past few months.  I agree with Justin that they are an extremely talented band, but "the best", after only producing one album?   Either way, by stating that Polica is the best band Justin has ever heard, he either knowingly or unknowingly, catapulted Polica onto the main stage of the indie world.  They are now likely to explode in popularity without accomplishing more than producing one incredible album (remind you of Eli in his early years?) "

Sound eerily similar to your article? It should!  But rather than a half ass attempt at breaking down the situation and scope of the matter, which you already missed the boat on (still going with the Columbus reference), your fucking boat sank on the way to "dizcovering" America and it's 13 colonies.  You know how they say don't quit your day job? Well quit your fucking day job, because you fucking suck!  @InTheknowIndie sucks too, but thats only because his fucking jokes are lame.  At least he can cover a topic and artist while they are still relevant.  So quit stealing our material, and go report on some new Indie band called Foster the Steeple or that new dubstep character Skillets or something like that! 

Damn Fred!  That's one of your worst rants yet.  You must really feel strongly about this.  While I see the similarities, and agree that it could have been reported sooner, I don't always submit my articles in a timely manner.  Also, I am off discovering artist all the time, and an artist that is new to me may not be new to everyone.  Therefore, I would like to apologize on behalf of Fred.  He really overreacts sometimes.  I hope that he hasn't offended you.  If he has, just remind yourself that he is our janitor and feel free to issue your rebuttal.

As for you Fred, I wish you would show this much passion in cleaning our toilets.  That shit hasn't been cleaned in weeks, and did you see what Terrence left for us?  To take your words, "quit your fucking day job!.  Because YOU suck" ...at cleaning toilets.  Now quit Dizcovering other blogs and clean our fucking bathroom.

Sorry everyone, had to take care of some office drama.  We at SearchDat look forward to getting back to discovering music and writing on it.

Thanks for your patience with Fred. Now check out this new artist I just discovered:

@InTheKnowIndie